Have you seen Kirsty Allsop's ring?

Kirsty Allsop - the bubbly yet somewhat everso slightly annoying presenter of Channel 4's Location Location Location - has apparently misplaced her ring.

Given to her by partner Ben Andersen to mark the birth of their first child in 2006, the red ring (surrounded by diamonds, no less) is the closest thing she'll probably ever get to an engagement ring, according to the star.  Which probably means that Mr Andersen has some commitment issues towards the star, who has a penchant for knocking down walls and whingeing endlessly to co-star Phil Spencer about the inability of their 'customers' to make a decision on a house.

The Honourable Miss Allsop apparently lost the ring yesterday when she popped in to Marks & Spencers in Hackney for a sandwich, and she is concerned that the item might have fallen from her pocket as she stepped out of the taxi.  I'm not sure which bothers me more: the fact that her precious ring wasn't actually on her finger, or that her diet comprises M&S sandwiches.

Either way, Kirsty is devastated and is offering a substantial reward for the return of her ring.  I wish her luck; I know how precious my wife gets about her jewellery.

We might be able to help, however.  In 2007 Kirsty teamed up with the Conservatives to launch a review in to house-buying and proudly announced that she would walk naked through College Green, Westminster, if people liked Home Information Packs.

Albeit with some concerns, HIPs have now been accepted as part-and-parcel of the house-buying process, which means that if Kirsty stands by her words and gets her kit off, everyone will be able to locate her ring for her.

I wonder what reward she'll give for that...

One-Armed Presenter Doesn't Scare Me

So Jade Goody is allowed to die on the front pages of our newspapers in order to increase public awareness about cervical cancer.  Thirteen-year-old Alfie Patton and his fifteen-year-old girlfriend, Chantelle Steadman, are front-page news used to raise awareness about the issues of teenage sex.

But the furore about CBeebies presenter Cerrie Burnell smacks of double-standards.  The one-armed presenter is at the centre of uproar today after parents have complained that her disability might scare their children.

When we are allowed to let celebrities and youngsters sell their stories to the press in order to make money behind the excuse of highlighting social and medical issues, complaining about the use of disabled people to host children’s television programmes seems somewhat hypocritical.

Children are extraordinarily resilient creatures.  They take people’s differences in their stride and are rarely upset by the physical appearances of others.  It is only as they grow older and begin to understand the discriminations of the adults around them that issues with disability, race and political issues begin to form part of their personal make-up.

Today’s Daily Mail quotes one blogger as saying “Is it just me, or does anyone else think the new woman presenter on CBeebies may scare the kids because of her disability?  I didn’t want to let my children watch the filler bits on The Bedtime Hour last night because I know it would have played on my eldest daughter’s mind and possibly caused sleep problems.  And yes, this is a serious post.”

Well, Blogger X, it clearly isn’t you given the number of other complaints about 29-year-old Miss Burnell, but I would have to ask just how you know it would have played on your daughter’s mind unless you pointed it out to her.

As the father of two children, aged six and nine, I’m aware that neither child seems to have even really noticed this apparent issue and they often don’t pick up on the disabilities of others unless they are pointed out to them.  Instead, they simply accept them as everyday occurrences.

The BBC are famed for being overly PC when it comes to their employment policies and Miss Burnell might well have been offered the job because of her disability rather than her presentability, but to remove her from this show because parents are worried that their children shouldn’t be subjected to the horrors of the real world simply because they themselves are offended by it seems somewhat discriminatory.

Jenson Button's Hopes Rest on a Virgin

Apart from the opportunity to be able to poke fun at the name, with such obvious jokes as having a virgin race team on the track and similar such nonsense, the idea that Richard Branson’s Virgin group might be considering purchasing the almost-defunct Honda F1 team is quite exciting.

Understandable marketing benefits aside, right up until Honda decided to pull the plug it was widely mooted that this year’s racer could potentially have been a race winner, and certainly a car capable of putting the wind up Ferrari and McLaren, which makes it a very viable platform for Sir Richard to put his strong branding to.  Pulling the plug so suddenly seems not only folly for Honda, with regards to the business of Formula One, but somewhat unfair on all the people who have struggled over the past few years to put such a recalcitrant car through its paces in competition – not least of all Button himself, who saw so much promise in Honda and therefore buggered up his own contractual stakes with Williams in order to stay with them, only to then go on and race with the back-markers. 

Such, however, is the nature of the economic climate and the motor sector that Honda have decided to put their money behind their staff and the manufacturing of their mainstay vehicles – not to mention the development of hybrid and hydrogen technologies – rather than risk it on the chance that their Formula One team might not win a race again this year.

As well as having been a fan of Button and the Honda team for some time, I’ve also long been an admirer of Branson and the work of his Virgin group.  As a brand they are phenomenally successful, and everything his company does just seems to work; it’s been thought through long before we get to experience it, and inevitably – contract wrangling with Sky aside over the Virgin TV saga last year – they get it right.  And the latest TV advert for the airline is superb.

Indeed, the airline itself is excellent.  I’ve flown with Virgin Atlantic on several occasions and have never had cause for complaint.  Returning from my honeymoon at the start of 1999 as a Malaysia Air customer, a problem occurred with our booking and the Malaysia staff refused to do anything about it.  Fortunately, the flight was a code-share with Virgin Atlantic, and a Virgin stewardess from First Class assisted us, even though she had no need to do so – we were neither Virgin customers, nor First Class.

Such level of service, and she was pretty too!

Branson himself seems to have the Midas touch.  He knows when to get in, and he knows when to get out.  Which means that it’s no surprise that he’s contemplating a buy-in to Formula One at the moment.  The opportunity to buy Honda right now makes financial sense – the car manufacturer doesn’t want much for it in the grand scheme of things, they have a proven team and some of the best facilities in the sport.  Located in Brackley, Northamptonshire, they’re close to Silverstone circuit (another unfortunate F1 story recently, it must be said) and they have – apparently – a strong car, designed and built ready to compete with the new 2009 regulations.  There are even rumours that a good engine deal has been negotiated.

All they need is somebody with the financial wherewithal to pay for it.

Branson, shrewd as he is, is keeping his cards close to his chest but that doesn’t mean there’s no truth to the rumours: the web address virginf1.com was registered on 5^th December 2008.  That could, of course, be nothing more than somebody playing silly buggers and fanning the flames of rumour, but in interviews the Virgin boss has refused to either acknowledge or deny that he is in negotiations with Honda over the purchase of their Formula One team.

What he has said, however, is that if he were to come in to Formula One he would have to be assured of certain changes.  He identifies the sport’s faults as being too expensive and too environmentally unfriendly for his tastes – fine words from a man the bulk of whose fortune has been made from flying thousands of people around the world every day in rather large aeroplanes.

Talking to BBC Radio 5 Live, the billionaire said that Formula One would have to become far more cost-effective before he would seriously consider a bid for the team, and that the sport would have to champion clean and environmentally friendly cars.

This seems something of a dichotomy, given that Formula One is one of the most decadent businesses on the planet.  Transporting ten teams (if Honda survives) to seventeen different circuits around the globe, in order to then spend three days racing twenty highly-powered cars around in circles (not to mention all the lower formula supporting acts too) hardly registers on the green scale.

Yet Branson’s airline currently fields 38 aircraft, thirteen of which are Boeing 747 “Jumbo Jets”, with a further twenty-one aircraft on order, 15 of which are Boeing’s 787 Dreamliner and six Airbus A380 airliners – the superliner.

Hardly green credentials when looking at the raw data, no matter what the arguments about carbon offsets might be.

Perhaps if Branson parked up one of his Jumbos for a year the carbon offset would be enough to support the running of a Formula One team.

And that way we might be able to watch Jenson Button riding his Virgin hard to victory at some point this season...

In the news this week: Alfie & Jade

As far as I can remember, when I was twelve years old I don't think I was biologically capable, let alone mentally, of having sex and, therefore, fathering a child.

Indeed, at the tender age of 15 when I finally fumbled my way in to what we thought then meant becoming men, the mass of limbs and tongues and failed (or botched) attempts to complete the act meant that the world was safe, for the time being, from being faced with another little Daniels.

Twenty-two years on from the first encounter the fumbling still continues, but I am at least the proud father of two Spawns of Satan - and even now, as I head rapidly in to middle-age, the prospect of fatherhood terrifies me. Each time my eldest (now almost nine) approaches me with a maths question, I look at him in quiet terror and point him in the direction of his mother.

So I find it terrifying to think that Alfie Patton, a boy who's still trying to figure out what financially means, managed to consummate the act and bring another little life in to this world. One can only assume he was petrified by his mate, as Chantelle Steadman (herself just 15) towers over him somewhat. Here is a little boy who has got a lot of growing up to do, and he must do it fast. By the time he is old enough to leave school, his daughter will just be starting.

That's a statistic that must worry a few people, but clearly not the parents of other boys who have come forward to declare that Chantelle liked to put it about a bit, and therefore baby Maisie must be theirs, not Alfie's.

While tabloid presses wave massive cheques about, every man and his dog is likely to step forward and claim paternity for this little girl.

One hundred thousand pounds is a lot of money, but once it's in your bank and has been spent, somebody still has to bring that little girl up. Maisie needs parents who will love her for who and what she is, not for the pawn she might become in fee negotiations with the tabloid media.

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It must have been terrifying for Jade Goody when her doctor finally gave her the news that they couldn't beat the cancer coursing through her body.

Jade, made famous by the reality TV show Big Brother in 2002, is now a household name with a reputation for not being the brightest button on the jacket. She became a comedy character, announcing that she thought East Angular was in another country, and that Cambridge was actually part of London. She kept viewers amused by running around the house with her top off, and referring to her private bits as her "kebab."

In 2007 she hit the headlines again, this time for the apparent racist bullying of fellow contestant Shilpa Shetty in Celebrity Big Brother, and she was mortified at the thought of how much hurt she must have inflicted on a nation.

Throughout it all, Miss Goody has managed to keep a good sense of humour and make a small fortune by putting her name to several products, including her own line of perfume.

With a Burberry tattoo apparently on her left buttock, however, one must presume that Jade is either a shining example of crass taste, or simply somebody with a great sense of humour. Either way, she is a lovely person who clearly - like all cancer sufferers - did not deserve to be given the diagnosis last year that she has cervical cancer.

Having been given the all-clear on two previous occasions, the announcement recently that this time it isn't treatable is truly saddening.

But do we really need to see Jade going through her death throes on the front pages of our morning newspapers and back-end satellite channels?  At this time when she wants to marry her sweetheart and see out her days as happily and peacefully as she can, it seems somewhat undignified that it's all been broadcast to the paying public.

Several organisations have recently said that Jade's plight has brought in to the public domain that women really do die from cervical cancer, and therefore it is right that it should be made as public as possible in order to raise awareness.

I don't disagree with that statement and, despite being one of the many to have fun at Jade's expense in the past, I feel truly sorry for her and her family.  But I feel even more sorry for those cancer sufferers who are having to deal with the inevitable without the aid of newspaper cheques to secure the futures of their family.

Nigeria Is Where The Money Is!

For years now I, like so many people with an e-mail address, have been inundated with requests for money to invest from Nigerian based companies.

Widows, private bankers, estate managers - they've all written to me to tell me that $10'000'000 is sitting in an account just waiting to be signed over to me, thanks to some generous benefactor.  In order to claim my money, all I had to do was send them a cheque for $25'000, and then give them all my banking details.

I can't help but smile, then, at the irony of seeing a bank advertising on television at the moment, promoting the success of its portfolio and implying that they are the safest people to invest your money with at the moment.  The Guaranty Trust Bank seem to be advertising more than any UK based banking or financial organisation at the moment, and very glossy their adverts and websites look too.

Perhaps I was wrong about those earlier e-mails, citing them as scams and cons and frauds.  With the collapse of Iceland and most of the world's banking consortium, Nigeria - it seems - is the safest place to put your money right now!

BBC Tic Tacs at ITV's footie gaff

The howls of complaint and derision aimed at ITV this week have been amusing me no end.  From every direction, from viewer to pundit and even on to the BBC themselves, the level of disgust aimed at Britain’s premier commercial channel has been relentless.

Had Sir Trevor McDonald, OBE, referred to the Prime Minister in a derogatory fashion?  No, that was the job of a BBC presenter.  Perhaps Coleen Nolan had made a racial slur?  No, that was the faux pas of another BBC employee. 

Maybe, then, Jenny Powell had been spotted getting out of a taxi sans culotte.  No, that’s usually the job of a drunken pop star.  Or Paris Hilton.

What could possibly have got everybody in all of a dither about ITV then?

It was, in fact, all because of the Liverpool v Everton FA Cup fourth-round replay, shown on ITV on Wednesday night.  It wasn’t because the game was a dreary bore that headed in to Extra Time because of a nil-nil score but because, in the 118^th minute (and therefore with just two minutes to go), ITV chose to cut to an advert break.

When they returned, the match was over.  Dan Gosling had scored the winning goal for Everton, but the fans didn’t get to see it.  In fact, the real winner was Tic Tac, the first advert shown as the channel cut to a commercial break – and they were only the winner not because of the fact that everybody was straining forward in their seats, waiting to see whether the game would go to penalties or not, but because the BBC, crowing at their rival’s error, showed the whole thing.  Meaning Tic Tacs got a promotion on a non-promotional channel.

Footie fans cried in woe at ITV’s gaff, yet smug Formula One fans like me could do nothing but grin with relief.  For ten years we’ve been subjected to ITV’s erroneous advertising, with them often cutting to a break at the height of the race and once, even, cutting to a break in the closing stages of a race that meant we didn’t actually get to see who crossed the line first.  An embarrassed Jim Rosenthal had to welcome us back after the break and let us watch the final three laps once again.

ITV, and their advertising breaks, are welcome to the football.  Thankfully, when Formula One returns on March 27^th-29^th this year, live coverage will be shown, advert free, on the BBC.

Jeremy Clarkson's one-eyed blunder

When I woke up this morning, Jeremy Clarkson was in a spot of hot water for calling Gordon Brown a one-eyed Scottish idiot.  Personally, given the state of the country, I think Mr Clarkson was being a tad polite but, in this modern day of over-zealous political correctness, by the time I had to open the pub at 5pm this evening Jeremy Clarkson had been hauled over the coals by the media and you would think he’d actually been apprehended for raping the Prime Minister’s au pair.

The problem is that these days we spend far too much time focusing on what the celebrities are doing or saying, and hanging them out to dry for making their apparently reprehensible points of view public.

Just this week we had Carol Thatcher’s comments about golliwogs.  Clarkson himself was in trouble a couple of months ago for insinuating that lorry drivers spend their time driving around the country killing prostitutes.  (Or “sex workers”, if we stick to the BBC’s terminology.)  Then we had Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross ringing up Andrew Sachs to declare that Brand had had sex with his granddaughter who, if we’re perfectly honest, isn’t the most innocent little creature on the planet anyway.

But who cares what these people are saying?  Clarkson is always offensive and, like many of his fans, I tend to find it funny.  Usually, he’s just using his acerbic wit to say what we’re all thinking but aren’t brave enough to voice anyway.

Rather than ostracising our celebrities who, if we carry on doing this to them, will just lie low for a while until they get invited to kick start their careers on Celebrity Big Jungle, we should be going after the people who are causing the problems in the country at the moment.

We should be going after the bankers who’ve caused most of our economic diarrhoea.  We should be going after the car drivers who turn in to Mr Bean at the first sign of sleet.  Or those who insist on driving around in the middle lane of the M1 all day with their front fog lights on, when there isn’t any fog around; and who, to make matters worse, will switch those same lights off the moment fog does descend.  We should be going after the bureaucrats who create the legislation that is bringing this country to its knees.

Or we should go after people like the woman in Cambridge who, yesterday, thought that the fact that some errant school children who had found it funny to push her snowman over were so offensive that she actually dialled 999 and insisted that the police took a break from rescuing snow-trapped drivers and went and arrested the culprits.

Put in context like that, Jeremy Clarkson’s comments aren’t really that important.

Children are the cause of Global Warming - fact!

As Britain continues to embrace its coldest start to a year in almost three decades, environmentalists have stayed very quiet on the subject of climate change struggling, as they are, to come up with sound, viable arguments for why we need energy efficient light-bulbs when temperatures in early January plummeted to -12°c.

And as the country continues to find it impossible to travel now that a layer of snow has covered the garden table, the strongest argument to come out of the ‘mentalists is one that goes: “aha, but we told thee, Global Warming will actually bring about cold and wet temperatures... or something like that.” Which is basically an argument that ignores the fact that it’s a) February and b) usually bloody cold at this time of the year.

At one point it used to be so cold at this time of year that between the 15th and 19th centuries there were often Frost Fairs held on the River Thames when it froze, so the fact that London was swathed in snow yesterday is nothing actually out of the ordinary for this time of year and goes someway to show that our climate is still fluctuating in the same way it always has.

In fact, the biggest thing we, as Britons, seem to suffer from when the snow falls is an inability to react rationally. Instead, while other countries that are regularly inundated with snow go about their normal daily business, everybody in England seems to turn in to Mr Blobby. And then goes about trying to drive a car...

It’s no wonder, then, that most Global Warming enthusiasts stay quiet at this time of year. Most, that is, except Jonathon Porritt.

Mr Porritt, a political activist on all things environmental and an adviser to the Government on climate change, this weekend denounced families with more than two children as environmentally irresponsible. Sounding a bit like King Herod, Porritt’s concerns surround the fact that the more children we have, the more people there will be on the planet, and the bigger the carbon footprint will be – therefore heightening the risk of catastrophic Climate Change.

Agreeably, children can be an unbearable burden, but not necessarily on the planet. They are expensive and time consuming little beings that require a lot of care and attention to bring them in to the world and get them ready for adulthood – but to listen to Porritt you would think that their ‘unbearable burden’ on the planet could mean the end of all homo sapiens.

Environmentalists have long touted their concern that Global Warming is causing more and more species to become extinct, but in a world where there are literally hundreds of thousands of species yet to be discovered it is difficult to put a finger on which species are dying out because of mankind’s impact on the atmosphere or the natural culling of life that has gone on for hundreds of thousands of years.

Porritt says that he is “unapologetic about asking people to connect up their own responsibility for their environmental footprint and how they decide to procreate,” which is basically his way of saying that we should give up sex to save the world and, in a suggestion that’s not unlike China’s one-child policy, he has recommended that a limit of two-children per household should be implemented to prevent further damage to the environment.

Thankfully, I’m the oldest of six, which means it’s only going to be my four younger siblings who’ll have to face termination, as no suggestion has been made as to what should happen to those families who already have more than two kids. The answer will probably lie in a complicated algorithm of taxation.

And that just goes to prove that Climate Change, if it really does exist, is simply a naturally occurring phenomenon that has been going on for hundreds of thousands of years, whilst Global Warming is nothing more than a Government Taxation Policy.

Lily Allen shows no Fear of her bum

Lily Allen is happy to be back at the top of the charts, and so she should be. Her new single, The Fear, is a welcome return to the airwaves and shows a new and exciting side to the singer’s career.

I’ve always been quite a fan of Miss Allen’s music and the new single is no disappointment. And her new album, It’s Not Me It’s You, is due for release next week and I’m waiting with almost baited breath.

Lily’s last album, Alright Still, almost wore my old MP3 player out as its circuitry played and played the tracks until my wife could stand no more; I expect the new album will get similar treatment. Which won’t really be much of a surprise, as Radio 2 seems to have already given The Fear so much airplay I suspect that most people are already fed up of hearing it.

The singer has never been classed as much of a sex symbol, often appearing in hoodies and with cigarettes hanging from her lips, but I’ve always thought she’s got quite a cute side to her. And she showed an even cuter side to herself by celebrating the success of her new single with a quick baring of her bottom.

If her new album is anywhere near as good to listen to as her bottom appears to be to look at, it should be quite good.